Spicing Up a Marriage or Becoming Polyamorous

Dec 20, 2012 No Comments by

Sugar, Spice and Everything Naughty

In this guest post by Kassandra Brown, we’ll take a look at marriage, what we expect from our spouse, and some ways that getting really honest can spice things up.

The person we marry is supposed to be the one and only for the rest of your life. We each took in this message like mother’s milk. Disney cartoons, movies, and story books all reinforce the idea of the amazing partner that provides everything a person needs. Romance, financial stability, trust, love, good roommate, good sleeping partner, teams up with you on chores, and loves your cooking are but a few of the long list of credentials your spouse is supposed to bring to the wedding. With children comes the need to share parenting philosophies and the balance of personal time, family time, and shared time.  You must make clear, concise and mutually agreeable decisions about how to spend time, money, and attention. Your spouse is amazing and you love to connect yet you each can take time to yourselves when you need it without the other getting jealous or having a hard time letting you go. Right?

These are some of the unstated expectations people bring to marriage. Is it any wonder that we are so often disappointed? Is it any wonder that marriage often ends in divorce or a sort of stagnate toleration of one another or in hidden affairs which produce guilt but relieve some of the tension of unmet needs?

There are other options besides divorce, stagnation, or cheating. One of them is opening your marriage. Honest non-monogamy isn’t for everyone. In fact it takes heaps of self-responsibility and personal growth to do it. It also teaches self-responsibility and is a great place to get fuel for personal growth. And even flirting can spice up a committed partnership tremendously.


Top 5 Ways that Opening A Marriage Adds Heat

  1. Fantasies. While making love the other night, I asked my highheel, spicing up a marriage and exploring polyamoryhusband to tell me about the other people he’s interested in. He spoke at detail about two women and a man and what he’d like to do with them. It was totally safe, hot, and intimate.
  2. Competition. When the supply isn’t so limited for sex, cuddling, and intimacy we become more attentive. Maybe he’ll take longer and get more creative with foreplay. Maybe she’ll try a new position or some role-playing.
  3. Motivation. Now that I’m allowed to attract attention from new lovers, I take care of myself better. Odd as it may sound, established couples often support each other in their bad habits. Why? If your partner doesn’t look so good, then they are much less likely to attract someone newer, younger, or sexier than you. But if you’re saying it’s good to attract new energy and new people, suddenly you can support each other in getting fit and looking good.
  4. Flirting. Even before opening our marriage all the way, my husband and I enjoyed flirting with others and then bringing the energy of the flirt home. I invite you to try it. Get excited. Talk. Share flirty eye contact. Appreciate the attraction you feel to the other and the attraction they are shining back at you. Then take that energy home and share a passionate kiss, or an appreciative snuggle, or some really hot sex with your husband or wife.
  5. Honesty. Do you want to get warmer or even really hot? Get honest. There is nothing that is a greater authentic turn on. And in the meantime, you’ll find your face getting red and your body getting hot while you admit to all the things you thought you couldn’t say to your partner and then while you hear them tell you all the things they thought they couldn’t say. With all those unsaid words out of the way, room opens for authentic connection. A word of caution – stay the course. Leaving halfway through an honest conversation can create more trouble than it solves.

Opening a marriage is often challenging. It takes work. One reason you might want to just have an affair is that although it takes work, it takes less personal growth. You can still keep lying to everyone including yourself. Honestly opening a marriage takes guts. You have to be honest about yourself, your desires, your needs, and your wants. Then you have to listen to your partner honestly express their desires, needs, and wants. You’ll probably need to hear some old complaints and judgments that were too unsafe to say before but will

come out now. Stay the course and listen all the way through.

The marriage may fall apart after opening it. But it may fall apart anyway. There are no guarantees in this world except that things change. How is your marriage going to change? If

you have a history of cheating, ask yourself, does being open and non-monogamous sound as good or better than lying and being non-monogamous?

Often those of us that are quickest to denounce polyamory are those with a history of cheating. We don’t believe it can be that easy. “What?” we ask.  “It can be OK to have more than one lover? Isn’t that immoral, unethical, sluttish, and something to be ashamed of? I can’t be open about that!” It can be especially hard to be honest about our desires once we become parents. As long as we believe our desires are unacceptable, then we will hide and cheat or repress and numb ourselves.

But what happens if we bring them into the light of compassionate awareness and let those parts of us that want other lovers be just as welcome as those parts that want the Disney princess ending? Not everyone needs to open their marriage, but what if it were an acceptable possibility? What if you talked to your partner about what you want?


Dating Symbol”s guest blogger today is Kassandra Brown who offers support to parents through her phone and Skype based coaching practice. She lives and works at Dancing Rabbit Ecovillage.

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